I can't control the Universe?

May 15, 2013 - I have always been the personality type where I am more comfortable with a plan, schedule, to-do list, oh how I love making lists. I love that satisfying accomplished feeling of checking something off and being productive. I start to feel anxiety when my life is up in the air and I have zero control over when, what, or where the next step is. Unfortunately I can’t just make an outline or a list to calm all my anxiety right now. Maybe it’s the pregnancy hormones that are making me a little extra emotional and sensitive lately? Although I do feel like I have legitimate reasons to be feeling this way lately.

Glenn’s searching for a new job. In the last two years we have lived in California, New Jersey, New York, North Carolina, and we will add location #5 to this list very shortly. Glenn has officially resigned his job at Riverside High School. Only this time it’s slightly different. We’re leaving with no plan. Yep we’re insane, but after much conversation and prayer and tears, we simply can’t stay. You may not understand. You may wonder why? Why another move? Why so close to having a baby? Why can’t you stay happy with a job very long? Why are you such gypsies? Why, why, why? What an outsider perspective on our life may not realize is that each move has been better for us in every way, better job, better pay, better apartment, just better, but not where we want to be. So Glenn continues looking and each time he gathers more knowledge and experience from his current job, and gets a little closer to that dream college teaching job in the dream location. Closer, baby steps closer, but I am ready for a leap!

Honestly, it’s not another move that concerns me, we desperately want to move, and hopefully somewhere on the West Coast closer to our families. What I struggle with is the job searching process. It takes forever. Patience is a virtue I severely lack. This time the process is proving drastically more challenging for me because we will have a newborn baby that needs consideration. Our past moves have involved very short notice! Sometimes the interviews don’t start coming until late into the summer, and living in anticipation with a baby makes me really anxious. Also, I don’t know if I have it in me to just pick up and settle down anywhere again? I want a move that sticks! I want a move where we live within a day’s driving distance of our families so that they have a relationship with our daughter. I want to move, but I have more stipulations for this particular move than I have in the past. I want it to feel right. Glenn assures me that as long as we’re together with our baby girl and our puppies then that’s what matters. I know he’s right. I just want the world right now. I don’t want to have to wait another year, two years, five years, ten years, to reach that dream job in its dream location. Am I asking too much?!

So far Glenn has had two job interviews. We had a discussion about applying to jobs West Coast specific so imagine my surprise when Glenn gets an interview in Wingate, NC, and wait for it….GUAM! Glenn told me he was actually fearful what my reaction would be to Guam. Well, it involved tears and lots of reason why not. Glenn loves the idea of Island life and thinks it would work wonders for my stress levels. Glenn absolutely loves the position too, like he could see himself being happy there for years. Guam for years?! The thought just makes me so emotional because I really struggle with the distance from my family. I love my parents tremendously but they also make me feel tremendously guilty sometimes for living far away. A guilt that’s increased when I hear comments about how they fear having no involvement in baby girl’s life, and she will only know her flat Grandparents on the computer. I can’t even say the word Guam without my Mom crying. It breaks my heart! I also feel that by not giving considerable thought to a position that my husband absolutely 100% loves is unfair to him, and then I feel like a terrible wife. So basically I just feel constantly guilty! Oi! Right now Guam seems the most interested in Glenn and we also need to consider the fact that once the school year ends Glenn is essentially jobless, no more paychecks coming our way, and we will have a baby!! Oi again! The rational and emotional sides of me don’t get along very well, and lately the emotional side of me is winning. Here I am, a girl who thrives off of having a routine and a game plan, attempting to be patient and calm, during a very nerve-wracking time in anyone’s life, and our lives are one fatty floating question mark right now.